


What She Deserves

by Ellimac



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Happy ending though, Not Canon Compliant, Physical Abuse, at least presumably not since part of it takes place in the future, it's about the relationship between a Pearl and her Diamond so abuse is kind of a given
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 14:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15415347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellimac/pseuds/Ellimac
Summary: A speculation on what's going on in White Pearl's head.





	What She Deserves

_Before_

Pearl has been dissipated and reformed many times. Sometimes simply because her Diamond wants her to look a different way; other times, it’s a punishment. She took too long to understand what her Diamond wanted. She didn’t exit the room quickly enough. She anticipated the wrong order.

Pearl takes as long as she dares to reform within her gem. As long as she can still use the excuse, “I wanted to choose the form that would best please you, my Diamond.” It isn’t a very long time. She knows that if she takes too long, she will be shattered. That is a fate she can’t bear to think of.

She waits on her Diamond, never moving, never speaking unless told to, always worried she will miss a cue and be crushed, again, for her lack of obedience. She keeps a smile on her face because if she doesn’t, her Diamond will see, and she will be dissipated—again. She has learned that lesson more than enough times.

She holds herself still. She waits. When she feels her Diamond’s eyes move to her, she snaps to attention (if it were possible for her to be _more_ at attention) and desperately tries to figure out what her Diamond wants before it is too late.

Sometimes she fails. Sometimes her Diamond gives a deep sigh and says, “Oh, Pearl. And here I thought I thought I had crushed that disobedient streak out of you.” And then Pearl knows what to expect: her Diamond’s hand around her, squeezing until there is nothing left to squeeze.

Once, she felt respite, after being dissipated. Now she doesn’t even feel safe inside the solitude of her own gem.

Nevertheless, when she returns, she comes out smiling. Because that is what her Diamond wants. And if her Diamond wants it, then it is what she ought to do. A Diamond deserves nothing less than a perfectly obedient Pearl.

 

_During_

Thoughts are like clouds, sometimes passing by unnoticed, sometimes filling the whole sky and raining down their substance until they can rain no more. Pearl has learned to largely ignore them. Above all, like clouds, thoughts are… unnecessary.

Pearl waits. Much of what she does is to wait. She waits, and when her Diamond is about to give her an order, she anticipates it and acts ahead of time. This is where thoughts would only get in the way. Just as one cannot see the sun on a cloudy day, one cannot see one’s Diamond’s wishes with a head full of thoughts.

Pearl waits, and she smiles, because it is her job to keep her Diamond happy, and her Diamond can only be happy if she sees that her Pearl is happy. It took Pearl some time to learn this. It is unthinkable now, but once, she didn’t know how to be happy on command. Such an easy thing, and yet it took her centuries to grasp it. All that time wasted on thoughts and emotions. She used to feel _fear_ , laughably enough. Who could have need of a thing like fear? What possible use could it have?

When Pearl anticipates an order incorrectly, or her Diamond is forced to speak her wishes before Pearl can sense them, she isn’t punished. At least, not by her Diamond. Not anymore. Pearl only promises it won’t happen again, and it doesn’t. Her Diamond has punished her enough for Pearl to understand that she does not want it to happen again.

Pearl doesn’t remember what life was like, back before she had learned all of this. That is to say, she has forced the memories so far away that she cannot access them. After all, a memory is a type of thought. What is the point of it, unless it helps her Diamond? Indeed, what is the point of anything unless it helps her Diamond? Thoughts, emotions, memories… all are pointless, save for those that are useful.

Pearl _does_ feel some emotions. She feels content, because that is what her Diamond wants. She feels grace, because that is what her Diamond needs.

And above all, she feels proud, because that is what her Diamond deserves.

 

_After_

Learning how to feel again is the most painful experience of Pearl’s life. And there have been many, many painful experiences. She just didn’t think of them as such until now.

Her face is cracked. Her mind feels cracked, too. It is a crack that she put there herself, to protect herself from her Diamond. From White Diamond. She created a yawning chasm, on one side of which she placed herself, and on the other side of which she placed everything that made her… individual. Everything that wasn’t important.

Now, as the chasm begins to close, she finds herself wishing it wouldn’t. Belonging to White Diamond had been _easy_. She didn’t have to think, to feel, to wonder or worry about anything. Her Diamond—White Diamond—did all that for her. This part isn’t easy.

Fear rushes back to her with horrifying clarity. She is afraid, filled with a fear that has no limits. She fears White Diamond. She fears Homeworld. She fears Earth. She fears the Crystal Gems.

Most of all, she fears herself. What other emotions lie within her? What ocean does she have, contained in the chasm, that will flood her as soon as she closes it? Perhaps worst, who will she be when those emotions come back? She doesn’t remember who she was, before the chasm. She doesn’t know if that Pearl can ever come back.

Followed by fear is anger. It isn’t an emotion she is familiar with; Pearls aren’t designed to feel anger. Nevertheless, she feels it. But unlike the fear, this feeling is not directed at herself. No, this one is reserved for White Diamond. White Diamond, who kept her for millennia, who told her at every turn that she was the one who was wrong, who crushed her at the slightest sign of disobedience, even accidental disobedience.

Of course, the anger is accompanied by fear. With every thought, she fears that White Diamond will, somehow, know what she’s thinking. Or even if she doesn’t, she will come find her again, anyway, and Pearl will have to reopen the chasm, and learn not to feel again.

But as time passes, and White Diamond does not appear, the fear and anger are slowly replaced by another emotion: relief.

Relief is even stranger than anger. She has, perhaps, felt anger before, or at least felt hints of it. Relief is not something that she has ever felt. The closest she can imagine it to is the temporary escape into her gem after being crushed, and even that is so far away and so tenuous that it doesn’t compare.

Relief is a feeling that her Diamond—White Diamond—is never going to come for her again. Relief is a feeling that she is among friends now, that no one will tell her what to do, that no one will force her to reform simply because they don’t like the way she looks now. Relief is knowing that her worst terror is behind her. Relief is not needing to be angry anymore.

Pearl has not forgiven White Diamond for what she did to her. She never will. But she doesn’t _need_ to be angry at her, anymore. She doesn’t need to dwell on each injustice White Diamond put her through. White Diamond doesn’t rule her life anymore, and Pearl won’t let her rule her mind, either.

After all, she has freedom, now. She has friends, and she may even say that she has a family. White Diamond doesn’t deserve to be part of that. And Pearl…

Pearl deserves better.


End file.
